Monday, January 08, 2007

Ab-Liva, Slick Pulla Blamed for Lackluster Ski Season in Swiss Alps

Or, An Incongruous Truth: Global Warming Melts 4th Quarter Coke-Raps

SP flew back from the motherland yesterday. This cur's itinerary had him quarantined on a barstool in Newark, NJ for a seven and a half hour layover. Shouldn't bars that are called "Budweiser" be like outlet stores, full of discount beers in aesthetically displeasing bottles? They should fill all the rejected longneck designs and send them to such places; instead, pints of Bud were $6.83 and before long I shrank back to a seat in the terminal area to read about proselytizers and other such gangster shit. I didn't make it outside, but apparently it was something like 55 degrees, a chilly change from Saturday's tropical high of 73. I'd be telling tall tales if I claimed to be bothered by shedding the heavy winter gear for once, but predictions of continuing sultriness throughout the 007 have me a bit worried. What's to be expected for the upcoming summer months? 120 degrees and 98% humidity? Normally, Slothra and I don't mind a bit of extra warmth, as we're aquatic mammals and so we're way more concerned about powerboats and keeping the female manatees happy keeping us happy, but this is getting ridiculous.

This winter has been bad news for a lot of creatures, particularly for people that own and work at ski resorts in Europe and also particularly for people that rap. If there isn't some confluence of contributing factors here, someone punch me in the face. All these mofos over in Courcheval, France, talkin 'bout "We got that snow" and "Round here it snows even when it don't snow," you know, because they can make fake snow and shit, better believe that when it's 65 degrees that junk will melt. Same with The Clipse and Young Jeezy and all those trendy kingpins-turned-rapping artists; when it's hot outside, you don't want snow, because that shit will melt and make you all wet and who knows what's in the snow these days anyway and being wet and dirty is definitely not the Nilla wafers.

It should come as no great surprise to anyone that no one's buying rap records any more. In the '90s and the early double-o's all the major labels dropped records as if they were involved in a competitive business or something crazy like that. Now every company seems like a one-rapper show, and former independent contenders sign deals with majors in what should be great career moves and fall further into the bowels of anonymity. Don't even get me started on Dr. Dre, who obviously sits around all day thinking about how great The Chronic was and pressing the "strings" button on his MPC-shitbag and charging people more money than they will make off their albums for one mediocre beat. Remember when rap was a legitimate commercial art form, and store shelves were regularly loaded with new records, most of which were bad or awful but some were good or even, occasionally, great? Ha. I'd almost forgotten about that. That was awesome.

3 comments:

Furman P. Slothra said...

props on the picture. took me a second to get it. I thought you were gonna post on that new show about tom sizemore smoking meth and getting collagen injections. I saw the first episode and it was kinda awesome. like the bonnaducci (sp?) show except with an actual actor who is kinda badass.

ps heat was one of the worst movies i've ever seen.

Sordid Puppy said...

im trying to get my dad's friends' company to advertise on FMT. they sell probiotic bacteria, which fits, i think.

ps heat completes me

DALLASPENN said...

"Remember when rap was a legitimate commercial art form, and store shelves were regularly loaded with new records, most of which were bad or awful but some were good or even, occasionally, great? Ha. I'd almost forgotten about that. That was awesome."

This might be 2007's greatest paragraph.