Friday, September 08, 2006

Fashion>BrokenRibs>Footloose


Beard by David Ortiz, soulpatch by Kevin Youkilis, mustache by Don Mattingly

Let's see what Slothra's been up to recently:

Being the resourceful, well-connected Slothra that I am, I parlayed my gaffer's collar-popper position on The Hills into a job in the mailroom at Teen Vogue, where I subsequently and inadvertantly (sorta) threw a Netflick (Cannonball Run II) into the eye of Blaine, the guy on The Hills who looks like that guy in Maroon 5 who hangs out with Kanye and tells him his lyrics are "as good as anything since Mase" [1] Canned unflinchingly by Blaine, I told him on the way out that "you probably made up your own name anyway" and then he hit me in the back of the head with what, when I first turned around, looked like a ball of multi-colored rubbber bands. I looked closer at the post-it note that was stuck to it. The post-it read "ball of LC's thongs." "Heidi was hotter anyway" I snarled after the door to his office was already closed and the fat guy from Fresh Meat who said he was "all taters" put his hand on my shoulder saying "sir you may never set foot in this office again." So fuck Teen Vogue, I thought, I'm gonna go freelance. For my first teen style report, I shall run through some new trends in the teen fashion world.

Spandex leggings:

Yo girls be totally wearin spandex, cuz after all, the 80s are the new 60s and the previously medium cool 70s are totally the new 30s (wide-waled Al Capone pinstripe has been out of fashion twice). Also, textile technology has crept into the sexy cipher. Feel free to compliment some tightly clad stems walking on by by saying: "yo girl, that stretch is fetching." Such linguistic dexterity and trendy cognizance will surely lead to slathering butter on her shoulders and sprinkling cinnamon on her ears. Knock-knees and kankles need not apply.

Primary-colored gardening clogs:

Someone told me these were actually for doctors, but we all remember the wearing-scrubs-but-you-ain't-got-no-MD debacle of '97, so I'm callin em gardening clogs for their own sake. They seem to be made of rubber or foam or one of those materials that kills rain forests and kids with allergies [2]. They are only sold in primary colors, like yellow, green and neon lavender (ha, totally not a primary color!). You can wear them on the way to buy cigarettes, to campus, or to a "Don't worry coffee makes me sweat too" support group. So its like casual footwear that makes people think that you don't care enough about stuff for bumperstickers.

Corsets:

Victorianism is cool again (replacing the Tudor period which is not cool anymore, except with regard to houses, because construction workers don't read Vogue and we can't hold them accountable), including the whole holding-hands-is-like-oral-sex thing. Heretofore a fetish/goth accouterment, the corset has gone mainstream, popping up at Hockey games, LFO (the Light Funky Ones if you forgot) and ELO concerts both (transgenerational trend alert!) and Family Reunions. The whole family can get involved in little Sally's aestheticized figure, as corsets can require as many as 4 people to tie up, sometimes involving complex ratchetng pulley systems. So like ties, its as much about the process as the product. The new ActiveCorset™ available from Nike, allows you ladies to maintain that 12" waist while playing team handball (or regular handball).

Footnotes:

[1] Because Kanye, in the one of the more inexplicable statements of all time, told Rolling Stone a few years ago that Mase was incontrovertibly (he didn't use this word, he's not Moby, who used the word 'insoucient' on VH1 in reference to M and M and VH1 put a definition on the screen) the best rapper of all time, he was thereafter convinced (according to the supplementary matrix axiom) that he was now the greatest rapper of all time, despite Weezy being the best rapper alive, TI being King and Game being rap's MVP. Man, Rap should hang out with Boxing.

[2] I'm told that rubber comes from trees, which I'm not sure I believe. I mean, how can something so bendy come from a plant? If this is true, then part of that ball of LC's thongs came from a plant. I wonder if LC knows she's a raging hippie.

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